New Year - 2021
The clocks have just chimed 12 indicating the last day of 2020. I have two such clocks and it’s important to me that they chime together. Why that is important is another story. What is important to me right now is that I get out of bed and write this little note to the Facebook breezes and so I can get back to sleep.
When I was much younger, over 50 years ago, I was terrified not to have a date for New Year’s Eve. It would mean that I was unwanted and would have no one to kiss when the new year arrived. One New Year’s Eve, I had a date with a young woman I was really anxious to be with. She was witty, pretty, and smart.
That New Year’s Day, I woke up on the stair landing of a fraternity house and my “most desired” date was gone. I had no idea what happened. I had no idea where she was. I wasn’t even sure I’d been kissed! I never spoke with her again or, more to the point, she never again spoke to me.
I don’t remember her name. I do remember the moment. I still cringe a bit as I think about it. I suppose I could chalk it up to youthful exuberance, lust, alcohol, and fear, but, for me, feelings aren’t mitigated by identifying probable causes. They never are.
I have spent a good number of years since living an amended life and I am not like that now and haven’t been for a long time.
Nevertheless, here it is once again, New Years Eve is approaching and I do not have a date. I am not terrified. In fact, I have come to enjoy life this way. It’s not because I am some sort of cretin who is afraid to inflict himself on some unsuspecting individual. It’s not because I don’t know a number of individuals who I would enjoy being with and who would enjoy being with me. It’s not because I am unworthy. It’s because I want to be alone and quiet. Sincerely.
Every morning, after my meditation, I recite a litany of 189 names. It’s like the ‘Litany of Saints’ for you Catholics out there. It starts (and always has) with my beautiful daughter, Megan, and ends currently with a woman named Teresa. I speak these names because I believe it sends energy to both the living and the dead (what use it is to the dead, I am not sure). I speak these names because I am a tad OCD and scrupulously believe that by omitting one name, I will have failed. Failed at what, I am not sure, but why take chances? Thought/Prayer energy is real and not to be trifled with. I send it out. Then I pray.
Afterwards, I have Lucky Charms with a banana for breakfast (not every day, but frequently enough).
If you have read this, it’s quite possible that your name is on my list and I have been speaking your name to the universe every morning for almost 20 years. I will mention you again as this new year rolls around. I sincerely hope that the tiny burst of energy reaches you. I am working on amping up my energy level so as to not fail you like I failed that young woman so long ago. That is my plan for the year ahead. It’s a good plan. It’s something I can do.
I am kissed by you all.
Happy New Year.